


cause in your eyes i'd like to stay

by onacoldnight



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, Future Fic, M/M, disbandment fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-22
Updated: 2016-08-22
Packaged: 2018-08-10 09:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7839796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onacoldnight/pseuds/onacoldnight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hakyeon is afraid that one day he will wake up without Jaehwan on his side.</p>
            </blockquote>





	cause in your eyes i'd like to stay

**Author's Note:**

> finally! to be honest, writing a future fic is quite difficult, and honestly i think it didn't turn out to be what i expected haha but anyway, first of all i'd like to thank the mods for this challenge, and also to team future aka team angst! we made it! :D
> 
> i hope you will enjoy this one!

cause in your eyes i'd like to stay

 

 

 

 

Hakyeon hugs his legs closer to his chest, trying not to create any noise. He doesn't want Sanghyuk to hear him, and add more guilt to the kid.

There's a faint knock on his room's door, and a soft, “Hyung, Sanghyuk's gone.”

“Leave me alone.” he shouts weakly, wiping his tear-stained face with his sleeve. “Go away.”

But instead of listening, the person on the other side of the door disobeys, opening the door and finding Hakyeon curling up on his bed.

“Hyung.” Jaehwan sits on the edge of his bed, and despite being friends for almost half of their lives, he's still aware of the boundaries whenever Hakyeon's oversensitive. “You can't make them stay beside you.”

Jaehwan is right. But it’s still hard to accept it. Hakyeon hides his face under his blankets, and under the blankets he feels Jaehwan patting his shoulder gently.

“They can't stay here forever, hyung.” he says. “They need to move on. We have to move on.”

“Then why are you still here?” Hakyeon asks bitterly.

Jaehwan just looks at him, and Hakyeon never gets the response he needs to make him feel better.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

It's been a year since the group finally decided that it's over, breaking several hearts, leaving tears and asking the fans to still remember them as a group. Six months after, the other members decided to move out of the dorm, the last one Sanghyuk, leaving Hakyeon and Jaehwan. And in all honesty, Hakyeon is still having a hard time accepting the reality that everything's now over. Seeing their dorm which used to be crowded so empty makes him want to go back to the past.

They've been working now individually; Wonshik and Taekwoon are now producers in Jellyfish, also producing songs for non-Jellyfish artists. Hongbin is an actor-slash-host and one of the hottest male celebrities to date, as he suddenly got more famous after accepting that second male lead role in a romcom drama. Sanghyuk is on his last year studying film directing, and is currently making a name in the indie film industry. Hakyeon took a hiatus after the disbandment, and is now an owner of a three-year old Italian restaurant, and Jaehwan…

“Table number five! Your order is here! Table number five! Spaghetti and lasagna, fresh from the pan! Still burning hot! Like me!”

Hakyeon covers his face with his hands, completely embarrassed with Jaehwan’s antics. He never thought about Jaehwan working as a waiter in his restaurant until the younger brought it up to him. As usual, customers love him, even asking if they can get his signature and take a photo with him. The same thing goes for Hakyeon, but he seldom goes out of his office. When he does, he greets them and just like Jaehwan, gives them signature and a photo when they ask.

“Ah, I'm still a celebrity. I’m the reason why your restaurant is always jam-packed.” Jaehwan wipes his hands on his waist apron, winking as he walks past Hakyeon in the kitchen. He taps the chef on his shoulder, “Do we have extra pasta? I'm hungry.”

“You should have accepted their offer as a voice coach.” Hakyeon leans on the wall, watching as Jaehwan gets a plate and hands it to the chef.

“Maybe next time I will. If they really want me, they can wait for me.” Jaehwan says. “But for now, I want to enjoy this kind of life, you know, away from the life I used to have before.”

Hakyeon hears a soft ping from a phone — Jaehwan's phone, and he watches as Jaehwan pauses from eating to check his phone. A smile suddenly appears on his friend's face. “Who's that? You got a date?”

“Date? Ha ha, you’ve become funnier, hyung.” he shakes his head. “It's Sanghyuk. He wants to have a late night dinner here. Only if you agree.”

“Since when did Sanghyuk ask for permission?”

“You're okay with that?”

“Of course, why won't I be okay with that?” Hakyeon replies. And it's true, he's fine with that. He misses Sanghyuk and the others terribly, but he can't just easily ask them for their time unlike before. They have their own lives now. “Tell him he can visit after closing time.”

Jaehwan taps a reply to Sanghyuk, at the same time reading it. “Yes Hyukkie, Hyung said you can visit after closing time. And don’t worry, he still loves you.”

Hakyeon can’t even disagree with that.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

“Director Han!” Jaehwan jumps behind Sanghyuk’s back, earning a groan from the younger. Hakyeon only waves at the youngest, as he is busy recording the profit for the day. “Director Han, I missed you so much!”

“Hyung, get down, you got heavier.” Sanghyuk complains, shaking his whole body just to get Jaehwan down.

“And you got older and weaker, baby.” Jaehwan teases, finally releasing Sanghyuk. The younger doesn’t even protest on the ‘baby’ thing anymore; he’s probably tired of telling them off for years. He pushes Sanghyuk down to sit on the chair. “Our baby needs to eat to become stronger! Where’s the food, hyung?”

“Get it inside, I just got it out from the oven.”

Jaehwan goes for the kitchen while singing a recently released song. It’s annoying, but you can’t really describe Jaehwan without the word, ‘annoying’. Hakyeon doesn’t notice Sanghyuk approaching him until the younger clears his throat. “Hyung.”

Hakyeon doesn’t look up from his notebook. “Hmmm?”

“Are you — are you angry at me?” Sanghyuk sounds so apprehensive, so frail, like the little and naïve Han Sanghyuk he met so many years ago.

Hakyeon can’t help but coo at how adorable their maknae is, even though he’s already thirty-two years old. He leans towards him, and squishes the younger’s cheeks. “You’re so cute, Hyukkie! Of course I’m not angry, I will never be angry at you. Why did you even think of that?”

“Hyung!” Sanghyuk grumbles, but chuckles when Hakyeon pulls his cheeks. “Do you even know how much I’ve thought about that?”

“Did I give you sleepless nights?”

“Oh, don’t push yourself too much, hyung.” Sanghyuk holds his wrists and gently removes his hands from his face. “I was just worried that you won’t give me free food anymore.”

“Jerk.”

“Sorry to disturb your tearjerking moment but here’s your food!” Jaehwan says, and puts down the tray on the table. Hakyeon swings an arm around Sanghyuk’s shoulders, and he smiles when the younger wraps his arm around his waist. He surely misses this.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

It was Wonshik who first left their dorm.

Hakyeon gently knocked on Wonshik’s room’s door, trying to wake him up. Wonshik is such a heavy sleeper, but he’s the quickest to prepare among them. “Wonshik, wake up. It’s eight.”

When Wonshik still didn’t answer, he then decided to just open the door. Wonshik probably needed some patting on his butt again. But even before he could turn the doorknob, there was a hand on his shoulder. It was Taekwoon.

“Wonshik moved out yesterday, Hakyeon.”

Hakyeon stilled, his hand dropping to his side. He then turned around to look at Taekwoon, and faked a laugh. “Oh, right. He moved out. I’m sorry, old habits die hard.”

“Hakyeon.” Taekwoon held him on his arm, and it looked like he wanted to say something but didn’t know how to start. Hakyeon just smiled at him and removed his hand from his arm.

“Eat without me, Taek. I’m going to get more sleep.”

He managed to get inside of his room before his tears started to spill out. He locked himself in his room, but he didn’t sleep. He was crying, and he didn’t know why. He just felt sad.

Hongbin was the second to move out, then Taekwoon, and the latest Sanghyuk. It was always the same scenario, he would lock himself in his room, and try not to show the others how disappointed he was.

If only he could go back to their debut days, he would.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

It’s been a month since he last visited the building in front of him. Nothing really changed; Hakyeon looks up and sees the comeback poster of a group who’s seven years their junior. His face used to be there years ago.

He is still staring up at the poster when his phone rings.

“Hyung, where are you? I’m hungry!” Wonsik says from the other line.

“I just arrived. You’re in the studio?” he replies, and acknowledges the staff greeting him when he steps inside. Wonsik called the restaurant, ordered food and asked for a free delivery. Hakyeon couldn’t say no to him, so ignoring Jaehwan who wanted to go with him (sadly, he still needs to finish his shift), he went and brought Wonsik his late lunch.

He waits for the elevator to open, and when it does, he is surprised to see a familiar face inside.

“Hakyeon oppa?” Kim Sejeong looks so excited seeing him, as she even gives him a hug when she steps out of the elevator. He can’t return the hug though, he has Wonsik’s lunch in his hands. “How are you? I missed you!”

“I’ve been doing well, you?” Hakyeon asks, and the elevator doors close again. Wonsik can wait for another five minutes. “You should go visit the restaurant!”

“Ah, I’m fine too. We’re busy preparing for a comeback.” she says. She has become more mature and beautiful. “We will visit your restaurant when our schedules are not that packed anymore.”

“I’m anticipating for it, my little sis! I’m sure you’re going to win that number one trophy again!”

“Oh no, stop teasing me!” she hits him lightly on his arm, then notices the bags in his hands. “Oh. I see you brought food for Wonsik oppa and Taekwoon oppa. Go ahead, I bet they’re already waiting for you.”

“Getting rid of me now?” he mock-frowns, and she only hits him again with a laugh. Sejeong stays beside him until the elevator opens again. She waves at him before it closes, and he smiles at her.

“What took you so long?” Wonsik takes the bags from him and puts it on the empty desk on the side. His studio looks so messy, and Hakyeon picks up a dirty shirt scattered on the floor.

“When was the last time you cleaned your office?” Hakyeon asks, draping the shirt on the couch’s armrest. Wonsik doesn’t let anyone enter his personal studio and he’s always busy; the mess is just a normal sight. “Seriously, everywhere is a mess. How do you even work in this place?”

Wonsik splits the chopsticks apart and begins eating. “When is Jaehwan’s day-off? I’ll let him clean my office.”

Hakyeon shakes his head, chuckling. “No need. I’ll clean this before I leave.”

“Ah, I love you so much, hyung.”

“You always say that whenever I bring you food.” he points out. Wonsik turns around to grin guiltily at him. But he knows all too well that Wonsik loves him so much, he just chooses the wrong time to say it. And he loves him too, maybe more than the younger does. “Anyway, where’s Taekwoon? I thought he’s here too.”

“Ah, Taekwoon hyung. He’s out with someone.”

“With someone, huh.”

“Well, we’re not getting any younger, hyung.” Wonsik says, putting down his chopsticks and opening the lid of the food container that is originally for Taekwoon. “We have to settle down, sooner or later.”

There is something with Wonsik’s tone, and there, realization hits him. Hakyeon’s eyes widen. He pushes an extra swivel chair to Wonsik’s side and sits on it. He scoots closer and pinches the younger on his forearm to get his attention.

“What did I do?” Wonsik groans, his words muffled because of the food in his mouth. There’s tomato sauce in the corner of Wonsik lips, and Hakyeon wipes it with tissue.

“You’re planning on proposing to your girlfriend?” he asks so quietly, tugging on Wonsik’s sleeve. The younger tries to ignore him, but that will be futile because Hakyeon won’t stop until he gets the answer he wants. “Hey! Did you propose without us knowing?”

“Of course I haven’t proposed yet!” Wonsik gives up, covering his face with his hands. He’s obviously blushing. “Next month, I will. I just told my family about it last night, and they are perfectly okay with it. I’m supposed to tell you guys about it on our dinner next Friday, but unfortunately, you found out about it sooner.”

“Better than Jaehwan knowing it first.” he says, and watches as Wonsik resumes on eating. He wants to know something from him again though, and he leans closer and closer until he gets his attention again.

“What again?” Wonsik scoots farther, avoiding Hakyeon’s eyes. Well, he fails again because Hakyeon manages to block his view with his face, even batting his eyelashes while looking at him. “Hyung, stop looking at me like that. I know what you’re thinking.”

“You do?”

“Yes, and I’ve already decided about it. I know you guys will be fighting over it so I’ll be giving the best man role to my brother-in-law.”

Hakyeon leans back, giving Wonsik the stank face. “I hate you.”

Wonsik grins. “You really don’t mean it, hyung.”

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

“Oh my god.” Jaehwan clutches on his chest. He’s clearly overreacting, even leaning to Taekwoon to add effect, but Taekwoon just pushes him away. “Wonsik, you’re getting married?!”

“Hyung, stop. Mom didn’t even react like that.” Wonsik says. He opens another can of beer and offers it to Jaehwan. “And I haven’t proposed yet. I’m still planning on how to do it.”

“And you’re going to ask for our help.” Hongbin points out. Wonsik nods slowly. “Bro, the only person you can ask about that is Taekwoon hyung.”

And then Hongbin suddenly yelps in pain, holding on his shin. They don’t have to guess who kicked him.

“I’m not dating anyone.” Taekwoon denies, and his eye twitches, clearly he’s lying. “Hongbin had the longest relationship among us. He knows all the cheesy stuff.”

“I don’t know cheesy stuff!” Hongbin cringes, and grabs another beer can to drink. “We only lasted for two and a half years, I never got to think about proposing to her.”

“We’ll help you, Wonsik.” Hakyeon interrupts because poor Wonsik looks so confused with Taekwoon and Hongbin bickering about who is the most knowledgeable in dating. “Whatever you need.”

“Yes! Whatever you need, my Wonsik!” Jaehwan repeats. He’s ecstatic, and Hakyeon can’t even remove his eyes from him when he ruffles Wonsik’s hair with an adorable smile on his face. “My Wonsik, all grown up!”

“Thanks guys.” Wonsik says, beaming and contented. “You’re the best. I love you guys.”

“Hyung, if she says yes, am I going to be the ring bearer?” Sanghyuk says so innocently, blinking, and all eyes go to him. They can’t tell if he’s joking or not because his face looks so serious.

“I wish you’re just drunk, Sanghyuk. But you only drank two cans of beer.” Hongbin puts a comforting arm around Sanghyuk’s shoulder. “Don’t get your hopes up. We’re sorry about that.”

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

Hakyeon goes home and sees Jaehwan staring blankly at his laptop screen. He looks like he’s been thinking deeply about something, and Hakyeon nudges him on his side to shake him out of his thoughts for a while.

“Oh, you’re here.” Jaehwan says, closing his laptop. Hakyeon doesn’t get the chance to take a look on what Jaehwan was staring at. “I brought food from the resto. You should heat it up.”

Instead of listening, Hakyeon sits down beside Jaehwan, scooting closer. “What were you looking at your laptop?”

“What do you mean?” Jaehwan blinks, and Hakyeon notices him fidgeting. “I wasn’t looking at anything.”

“Jaehwan, you’re hiding something from me. Don’t even lie.”

Jaehwan looks at Hakyeon in the eyes, hesitating. Hakyeon tilts his head, just waiting, until Jaehwan finally gives up. He sighs, biting his bottom lip.

“Manager hyung sent me this.” he opens his laptop again, and the screen lights up. Hakyeon reads the content of their former manager’s email to Jaehwan, and when he finishes, he gives the younger a curious look.

“Why were you trying to keep this from me?” Hakyeon asks. It is a Broadway musical, and the producers are looking for musical actors to audition for one of the major roles.

“I’m not trying to keep this from you.” Jaehwan denies, closing his laptop again. “I’m not going to audition anyway.”

It surprises Hakyeon. Jaehwan’s second love next to singing is doing musicals, and for him to decline the audition is a one big question for him. “What? Why?”

“I told you I want to rest from performing. I’ve been doing it for years.” Jaehwan bristles. “Besides, it will be in New York and if ever I got accepted for the role I’m going to stay there for a year at least. It will be hard for me to adjust.”

He tries not to think about the possibilities of Jaehwan finally leaving him. Instead, he focuses on the explanation which seems so off to him. But Jaehwan looks annoyed right now, and he doesn’t want to push his buttons.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

“What?” Taekwoon says over the phone, surprised. “Jaehwan declined the audition?”

“Yes, you heard it right. He doesn’t want to audition.” Hakyeon replies, watching Jaehwan serving the customers from the small window of his office. Jaehwan smiles at them, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. He’s been like that for days. “But I know he wants it, Taek. There’s just something stopping him from doing it.”

“Do you want me to talk to him then?” Taekwoon offers. His voice is soft, and softer when he’s on the phone. Somehow it soothes Hakyeon.

“Yes, please.” Hakyeon says helplessly. “I’m worried about him, you know? He has been so distant ever since that day when manager hyung sent the invitation. He looks so unhappy with his decision.”

“Okay, I’ll talk to him. Don’t worry, Hakyeon.” Taekwoon says. “He’s there? I’ll call him to bring food here.”

“Yeah, he’s here.” Hakyeon replies, finally relieved. “Thank you so much, Taek.”

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

Jaehwan doesn’t come back until the restaurant closes, so Hakyeon goes home by himself. But it’s been hours since he reached home and Jaehwan has not come back yet. He paces on the living room, after contacting Taekwoon. The latter said Jaehwan left the building before evening. He doesn’t say anything more than that, and it worries him more.

He’s about to call Taekwoon again when the front door opens, revealing a tipsy Jaehwan. Hakyeon quickly comes to his side, patting his cheeks.

“Hey, are you okay?” he cups Jaehwan’s cheeks. He reeks of alcohol. Hakyeon scrunches up his nose. “Why did you drink? You met Taekwoon, right?”

Instead of answering him, Jaehwan removes his hands from his cheeks harshly, and he’s glaring at him. Hakyeon freezes on his spot, watching the younger leaves him for his room.

When he recovers though, he follows Jaehwan to his room, and fortunately, it’s not locked. He steps inside, and sees Jaehwan sitting on the edge of his bed, leaning on his knees.

“Jaehwan.” he takes a deep breath, contemplating on approaching him or not. He rarely gets angry, and when he does it is best not to talk to him until he calms down. But if he doesn’t talk to him right now, he will definitely be restless. “Hey, Jaehwan.”

“You told Taekwoon hyung about it.” Jaehwan snaps. Hakyeon blinks in surprise. “I’ve already told you I’m not doing it, so why do you keep on pushing me to do what I don’t want?”

“Jaehwan, stop.” Hakyeon tries not to raise his voice. He’s the sober one and he’s the one at fault. He’s not going to start a very heated argument with him. It will worsen everything. “Stop lying. You want it, but there is something stopping you. Tell me what is bothering you, please.”

“I’m not doing it, hyung! And there’s nothing bothering me!” Jaehwan now shouts at him, and Hakyeon almost steps back in fear. Jaehwan must have noticed his shocked expression and his face suddenly turns soft, shaking his head. “No, hyung. It’s final. I’m not doing it.”

“Jaehwan –”

“Hyung, please. Please leave me alone.” Jaehwan says quietly, looking down at the floor. He looks like he wants to cry but he can’t because he’s watching. “I’m sorry but I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

Hakyeon can’t sleep. It’s four in the morning, and the sky is still dark. He’s been rolling on his bed for hours now, thinking on how he will talk to Jaehwan when he sobers up. It’s his fault for telling Taekwoon, but he can’t find the reason to be guilty for it.

He sits up when he realizes that he won’t be getting any sleep, and trudges down to the first floor. The kitchen’s light is surprisingly on.

Hakyeon finds Jaehwan working on the coffeemaker, his back facing him. He stays on his spot, watching the other open a bag of coffee beans Taekwoon gives them every month, and pour some beans into the machine.

“How long are you going to stand there?” Jaehwan says quietly, but his voice still rings loudly on Hakyeon’s ears that he almost jumps in surprise. “Sit down, I’ll make you tea.”

So Hakyeon sits down, waiting for Jaehwan to finish, and smiles when he Jaehwan starts to hum an old song. It’s like he’s listening to a radio in the crack of dawn, gently waking his senses up and increasing his energy.

Jaehwan puts down the cups on the table, and sits in front of Hakyeon. He’s silent while sipping his coffee, and it’s not really unusual. When they’re in a group of people, Jaehwan always initiates a conversation – whatever topic it is – just to make his companions comfortable and entertained. In their case, Jaehwan doesn’t need to talk, his presence alone gives comfort to Hakyeon.

Hakyeon’s stirring the tea slowly using the teabag - he doesn’t really drink it when it’s smoking hot – while watching Jaehwan’s fingers tap on the wooden table.

“Stop watching me, hyung.” Jaehwan says, now cutting the silent atmosphere. “Tell me what you want to say to me.”

“Honestly, you left me speechless last night.” Hakyeon replies hesitantly. “I’m afraid you’ll shout at me again if I say something to you again.”

Jaehwan suddenly covers his face in sudden mortification. He’s laughing quietly. This Jaehwan is entirely different from Jaehwan last night. This Jaehwan in front of him is the Jaehwan he is overly familiar with. “I’m really sorry about that, hyung. I got carried away last night. I was drunk and too emotional. I’m not mad at you, I promise.”

“I’m sorry too, for persuading you.” Hakyeon says, his hand reaching to hold Jaehwan’s. The other doesn’t pull away, much to his satisfaction. “I just don’t want you to be tied on the same place again. You’re free now, Jaehwan. You can do what you want now, without people judging you.”

“I’m still a public figure, you know. All of us are still public figures.” Jaehwan says. He squeezes Hakyeon’s hand. “But doing this won’t hurt, right? I mean, I’ve done this before, it’s nothing new.”

“Jaehwan.”

Now, Jaehwan smiles at him, and puts his head on the table. “Okay hyung. I will go to the audition.”

“What made you change your mind? Last night you said that your decision is final?”

“Do you really want me to go or not?”

Hakyeon beams, patting Jaehwan’s cheek, and Jaehwan leans to his touch. There is something with the way he looks at him, and Hakyeon doesn’t even bother to interpret it because the younger has always been like that to him.

What’s important is that Jaehwan is doing what he really wants and that is enough for Hakyeon.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

There are days when the restaurant is not busy. It’s quieter and there is less traffic. It also means less work, so Jaehwan is standing in front of the glass window, like he’s waiting for someone to come. Hakyeon comes out from his office to approach him, greeting the customers on his way.

“What are you doing there?” Hakyeon asks, putting his hand on Jaehwan’s shoulder. “You’re waiting for someone?”

Jaehwan turns to glance at him, then back at the window. “Yeah. Wonsik.”

“Wonsik?” Hakyeon goes for his phone for any message from Wonsik – any reminders that he will come today – but there’s none. And it’s three in the afternoon, no way he’s getting lunch at this hour. “Why?”

“Well, he asked me to do a demo.”

That’s new. Jaehwan has rejected lots of demos since their disbandment. “Why did he have to ask you? There are lots of singers in the company.”

“Well, Wonsik trusts me more than anyone else.” Jaehwan says, even winking at him. Hakyeon snorts.

Then suddenly a blonde man appears, pushing the glass doors open. Jaehwan runs to hug Wonsik very tightly, in front of their customers. The other customers are even cooing. The younger tries so hard to detach Jaehwan from him, completely embarrassed, and looks at Hakyeon for help. Hakyeon pulls Jaehwan away from poor Wonsik, and pushes them both to his office.

“Jaehwan hyung, you’re so disgusting. You hug me like we’ve never seen each other for years.” Wonsik groans, sitting on Hakyeon’s couch. Jaehwan sits beside Wonsik, clinging onto his arm.

“I miss my younger brothers! The brat and the other brat don’t come here very often.”

“Hongbin is in Japan for a movie and Sanghyuk is busy with school.” Hakyeon reminds him. “Of course, you don’t expect them to come here that often.”

“Anyway.” Wonsik sits up straight, and turns to glare at Jaehwan to remove his hand from his arm. The other complies, smiling sheepishly. “You said you’re doing the demo?”

Jaehwan nods, giving his hand to Wonsik. “I’ll listen to it.”

Wonsik puts a flash drive to Jaehwan’s hand, and the latter throws it to Hakyeon, which the older almost fails to catch. “Remind me hyung to listen to it tonight, okay.”

Wonsik nudges Jaehwan’s side. “Thank you hyung. I owe you a lot.”

Jaehwan shakes his head, fixing Wonsik’s fringe. “No biggie, anything for my Wonsik.”

There’s a knock on Hakyeon’s door, and it opens a little to reveal one of their waiters. “Jaehwan hyung, we need an extra hand now.”

“Oh, okay.” Jaehwan says, standing up. He pinches Wonsik’s cheek. The younger grumbles. “I have to go now. See you later.”

Jaehwan leaves Hakyeon’s office, and now Wonsik is looking up at Hakyeon who’s leaning comfortably on his table. He’s looking at him like he did something wrong, so he mouths, ‘what’.

“Jaehwan hyung became extra clingy. What did you do to him, hyung?”

“I didn’t do anything?” Hakyeon replies, shrugging. “I mean, he’s always like that?”

“But he’s clingier than you.” Wonsik emphasizes. Hakyeon can’t disagree to that. Jaehwan acts weirdly these past few days. “And also, he rejected doing demo lots of times. What happened?”

“Maybe he’s using that as a practice? I mean he is going to audition for a musical. He’s been practicing a lot now.”

Wonsik looks very surprised. “He’s going?”

Hakyeon doesn’t know how Wonsik found out about the audition – since he knows that Jaehwan has never told anyone about it – but he doesn’t ask about it. “I made him go. Or Taekwoon? I don’t know. He got really angry at me that night and the next day he was okay and said he will go.”

Wonsik nods, and suddenly looks down. Hakyeon notices him looking uneasy.

“Hey, why are you like that? Is there something I don’t know?”

“Huh?” Wonsik blinks and shakes his head, even waving his hands frantically. “No, no. There’s nothing.”

Hakyeon straightens up, crossing his arms on his chest. “Kim Wonsik.”

“Hyung.” Wonsik chuckles, and he looks very nervous. “There’s nothing, I swear.”

Hakyeon doesn’t believe him, but he drops the topic anyway. He pulls Wonsik up from the couch and brings him out. “Let’s go and eat, you can’t leave the restaurant without eating.”

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

Now that they’re not idols anymore and they have lots of time to waste, Jaehwan usually pulls Hakyeon down to the couch to watch any movie showing on cable channels. Hakyeon always gives in to the younger’s request, because he’s just really insistent, and also he missed watching movies at late nights without thinking about the next day’s schedules.

Hakyeon’s sitting on the couch with his legs propped up on the coffee table, Jaehwan snuggling close to him. It’s an old foreign movie, with actors he doesn’t recognize at all.

“Hyung.”

“What?” Hakyeon mumbles back. He shakes his plastic popcorn bucket – which he bought in the theater two years ago and brought home for household use – so that the popcorn won’t lose its taste. Jaehwan is eating a whole tub of ice cream and Hakyeon’s lap is already wet from it.

“Do you remember my ex-girlfriend?” He asks, and Hakyeon suddenly stops giving attention to the movie. It doesn’t look like Jaehwan is focusing on it too.

“Which one?”

Jaehwan chuckles, putting down his now empty tub on the table and snuggles back at Hakyeon.

“Hyung, you know I never got a girlfriend after I debuted.”

“What if you had a hidden girlfriend?”

“You would know if I had one, we really can’t keep secrets from you since you can hear everything from fifty miles radius.” Jaehwan says, earning a glare from Hakyeon. “And also we all agreed to no relationships.”

“Hongbin broke it though.” Hakyeon replies, shrugging. It came as a surprise, months after their tenth debut anniversary when Hongbin confessed to them that he was already dating someone. It was like they had a choice though, it already happened. And after two and a half years they just broke up. Then after that, Wonsik met his fiancé, and the rest is history.

Now, Taekwoon is seeing someone they really don’t know who because Taekwoon keeps on insisting that they’re not dating, just hanging out. Sanghyuk is too busy studying to even think of having a girlfriend. Hakyeon thinks he doesn’t need one. He’s not sure about Jaehwan though.

“Okay, so the ex-girlfriend you’re talking about is the one you broke up with before we debuted?” Hakyeon asks.

“Yes, she is.” Jaehwan answers. He grabs the remote from beside him and lowers the volume.

“Well, she called me last week and asked me to meet her yesterday.”

“And?” Hakyeon holds his breath, his mind formulating lots of conclusions he doesn’t want to entertain. “What does she want from you?”

“She asked me if I can sing to her wedding.” Jaehwan replies. As soon as it sinks in, Hakyeon feels like something heavy is lifted from his shoulders. “I accepted it. We’re still friends, so why not?”

“Oh. That’s nice.”

They resume watching the movie, with Jaehwan’s head on his shoulder, with no words exchanged anymore, until the movie leads to the ending scene where the main leads have to kiss. Suddenly, something comes up in Hakyeon’s mind.

“Jaehwannie?”

“Hmm?”

“When is the last time you kissed someone?” He asks, his eyes still focused on the screen, on the two leads kissing.

Jaehwan chuckles, probably because Hakyeon is being silly, but he answers nevertheless. “My last musical. I don’t really remember who it was though since they casted four actresses for the female lead.”

“I know that.” Hakyeon waves his hand. “What I mean is, the last time you kissed someone because you wanted it not because you had to do it – ah, you don’t have to answer that. It was before we debuted? Your ex-girlfriend right?”

Jaehwan becomes silent. The credits roll then back to the advertisements. Hakyeon feels like he touched a very sensitive topic, so he clears his throat.

“You don’t have to answer that, Jaehwannie, I was just –”

“You.”

Hakyeon stiffens, and thinks that maybe he just heard it wrong, or maybe his mind was just playing tricks on him. He tries to ignore it, going for the remote beside Jaehwan’s side, but the younger stops him, lifting his head from Hakyeon’s shoulder.

“I said it’s you, Hakyeon hyung.”

Hakyeon gulps, his heart beating a lot faster, and Jaehwan’s looking directly at his eyes and that he’s having a hard time to fight the blush on his cheeks. So he just laughs nervously, patting Jaehwan’s head. “Wow Jaehwannie. Your jokes are getting weirder. Is it because you’re getting old?”

“Hyung, you know that I’m not joking.” Jaehwan mutters. He’s gazing at Hakyeon’s eyes like he’s trying to make him remember something. Then he realizes that Jaehwan is saying the truth. His eyes widen, hands clutching at his favorite popcorn bucket.

But still, Hakyeon doesn’t want to admit it in front of Jaehwan. He looks away. “Stop it, Jaehwan.”

The atmosphere is so tense, that he has to stand up and return the popcorn bucket back to the kitchen, deciding that he will wash it later after he comes back from the bathroom to wash his face, to forget everything happened back there. He regrets asking Jaehwan about it, because it only brought up something that Hakyeon has tried to forget for years. He sighs, leaning on the sink for support.

But he doesn’t find out that Jaehwan followed him to the kitchen until he turns around and sees him standing so very close to him. He’s now cornered, with the younger’s arms on hissides, trapping him there. And all of a sudden, Jaehwan’s right hand goes to touch his cheek, leaning too close that their noses are already touching. Jaehwan’s head is tilted, eyes looking down to stare at Hakyeon’s lips.

“What are you doing?” Hakyeon asks, in an almost inaudible voice, but he knows that Jaehwan heard it. But Hakyeon doesn’t do anything to make Jaehwan step back, instead he finds himself holding on Jaehwan’s waist.

“We both wanted it.” Jaehwan whispers, his hot breath fanning Hakyeon’s face. “That night, we both wanted it.”

“Jaehwan.” Hakyeon says, closing his eyes, hands fisted on Jaehwan’s shirt. “Jaehwan.”

“Hakyeon hyung.” Jaehwan says. Hakyeon takes a deep breath. “Can I kiss you again? Like the last time?”

Hakyeon should say no. Why would he want to repeat something that he considered as a drunken mistake? But that drunken mistake was something he really liked back then, before reality crashed down on him. “Yes.”

And Jaehwan closes the tiny gap between them, and he shouldn’t be surprised by it, but he still lets out a gasp. Jaehwan’s lips are chapped, but soft, just like the last time. This time though, he’s sober, and honestly he’s enjoying it more. He can never consider this as a drunken mistake now.

Then Jaehwan pulls away and carries him to bring him on the counter, making him sit there. Hakyeon wraps his arms around his neck, swooping down to meet him again in a searing kiss.

That earns a groan from the younger, and Hakyeon is not sure how the tables turned since he’s now slipping his tongue in to deepen their kiss. Jaehwan tastes like strawberry, and he unconsciously smiles when Jaehwan bites his bottom lip, with Jaehwan’s hands touching his bare skin under his shirt.

Jaehwan pulls away again, and stares at him, grinning, and Hakyeon still thinks that he’s the most handsome one in the world, even in his most wrecked state. Then Jaehwan chuckles, and god, Hakyeon loves how husky his laugh sounds.

“Let’s go to bed.” Jaehwan says, smirking. “Yours or mine?”

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

It was during their eighth year anniversary when they decided to get wasted in the living room of their dorm, except for Jaehwan who had an individual schedule early next day.

Taekwoon was already sleeping on the couch, Wonsik too, his head on Hongbin’s lap and snoring softly. Hongbin was unsurprisingly awake, even after he consumed one and a half bottle of strong alcohol. Sanghyuk was laughing all by himself on the side with no reason. Hakyeon was awake too, he wasn’t really drunk enough to fall asleep.

“I should take a video of Sanghyuk laughing all by himself as a blackmail.” Hakyeon heard Jaehwan saying.

“You can’t blackmail Sanghyuk.” Hongbin said, shaking his head. “Sanghyuk has probably more blackmail material than you, those which will make you just wish the earth opens up and swallows you whole.”

“True.” Sanghyuk replied. “Don’t worry Jaehwan hyung, I’m not that evil to release those in public. I just want something to laugh at whenever I feel sad.”

There was a pillow flying across the room to hit Sanghyuk on the head. Sanghyuk, despite being so drunk, still managed to dodge the pillow.

There was no alcohol left anymore, so they just decided to play truth or dare – it was only dare, since they’ve known each other for years, there were no secrets among them anymore – to have something to do to kill time.

It was Sanghyuk’s turn. “Hakyeon hyung, kiss someone you like the most among us.”

“What? Kiss?” Hakyeon asked, but he had someone on his mind already.

“Yeah hyung. You kiss him on his cheek.” Sanghyuk said. “It’s pretty easy for you. You kiss us whenever you want.”

“So damn easy.” Hakyeon snorted, and he stood up to go to the person he was going to kiss. He sat down on his lap, and what happened next was something he also didn’t expect himself to do even if he was drunk. It was probably his heart which was taking over instead of his mind. And maybe it was true, that a drunken mind speaks a sober heart.

He kissed Jaehwan on his lips, which earned a surprise gasp from the two on his back. But what he also didn’t expect was Jaehwan actually kissing him back.

The next day was worse. Hakyeon was nursing a really bad hangover, and he knocked his forehead on the wooden table to lessen the pain.

“That won’t make you feel any better, hyung.” Hongbin sat beside him, placing a glass of water and ibuprofen on the table. “Drink this.”

Hakyeon said thanks before drinking the medicine. “You’re so unfair, you drank as much and yet you’re feeling okay right now.”

“My head hurts too.” Hongbin said. “Not as much as yours, though.”

“You got really smashed last night hyung.” Sanghyuk said. “I mean, you even made out with Jaehwan hyung. You sure did get really drunk that you mistook him as a girl.”

Hakyeon almost dropped the bread he’s holding. He furrowed his eyebrows at Sanghyuk, then he turned around to look at Jaehwan who was quietly eating his cereal. “What?”

“You don’t remember, hyung?” Hongbin asked. Hakyeon tried to remember everything from last night, his head began throbbing again. Then he remembered, fragments, of how he went to Jaehwan and kissed him. On his lips. He gulped.

“What?” Wonsik repeated.

“Oh my god.” Hakyeon groaned, looking back at Jaehwan. “Oh my god, Jaehwannie. I’m so sorry.”

Jaehwan just smiled at him, shaking his head. “It’s fine, hyung. We’re cool.”

Hakyeon was worried if what he did gave away his true feelings towards Jaehwan. But it looked that it didn’t, or Jaehwan was just ignoring it. It was fine either way, as long as Jaehwan would not hate him for falling in love.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

Hakyeon doesn’t know when he started to feel something for Jaehwan, it just happened that he is already feeling something that is beyond friendship towards him, and it alarmed him in some ways. Jaehwan has been a part of his life for years, and he doesn’t want to ruin the bond they have just because of his feelings. So he hid it, as much as possible, he never told anyone about it, and kept it to himself until he moved on.

He never moved on, though. And those feelings he tried to bury over the years just came back on the surface, after Jaehwan kissed him last night.

He nuzzles Jaehwan’s neck, pulling him closer by his waist. They never did anything after making out in the kitchen, they just lay down on his bed, with his head on Jaehwan’s arm. They talked about anything, but never mentioning about the kiss. Hakyeon doesn’t know what they are right now, and he’s too afraid to ask Jaehwan about it. He can’t risk everything.

“You’re awake.” Jaehwan says, patting his back. “It’s already eight. We should get to work.”

“Can we stay here a little bit longer?” Hakyeon asks, closing his eyes. He wants to remember this sweet dream, in case it won’t happen anymore. “I’m still sleepy.”

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

Wonsik fumbles with his phone, sitting on the center table of Hakyeon’s restaurant which he reserved for the night. He looks nervous, as what they can see from Hakyeon’s office, and he seems like he’s going to faint if his girlfriend won’t arrive in the next minute.

“Can you call him and tell him to stop fidgeting?” Hongbin elbows Sanghyuk, who is busy recording a video of Wonsik by the small window. They are huddled there, trying to get a look at Wonsik.

“I’m doing documentation here!” Sanghyuk hisses, elbowing Hongbin back. “I’m showing this on his wedding!”

“Let me do it.” Jaehwan volunteers. After a few seconds, they see Wonsik jolting at the ringing of his phone. When he sees the screen, he looks up and glowers at his snickering friends behind the office door. “Hey, Wonsik. Loosen up a bit. You’re vibrating.”

Jaehwan yelps when Taekwoon hits him on his head.

“Ha ha, hyung so funny.” Wonsik says, his voice heard from the speaker. “I’m waiting for her, stop calling me.”

“Good luck, Wonsikkie!” Jaehwan screams, the others following suit. Wonsik smiles, muttering a soft thanks before he’s interrupted by the sound of the glass door opening. Hakyeon takes Jaehwan’s phone in his hands and ends the call.

“Let them have their own privacy.” Hakyeon tells them, but he’s also trying to see anything from the window. “We can watch them, though.”

“Hyung, step back a little my camera is getting out of focus.” Sanghyuk whispers. Hakyeon steps back then, tiptoeing to take a look, and wraps his arms around Jaehwan’s shoulders to keep him balanced. He tries not to notice at how Jaehwan holds his arm gently, trying not to notice the way Jaehwan holds him closer, and the subtle and chaste kiss he leaves on his arm.

They are like watching a drama from a small window, and whenever they see Wonsik smile Jaehwan would pinch Hongbin’s arm to stop himself from squealing too much, which the younger complains, hitting Jaehwan back.

Wonsik looks so happy just talking to the woman he loves, and somehow Hakyeon’s heart aches.

It doesn’t take too long when Wonsik stands up, revealing the ring from his pocket.

“Oh my god, this is it. He’s going to do it. He’s going to do it!” Sanghyuk mumbles, and zooms in his camera. Hakyeon tightens his hold on Jaehwan, his heart pounding faster.

Then Wonsik kneels on one knee, offering his girlfriend the ring. He looks hopeful, at the same time anxious. Everyone inside Hakyeon’s office is holding their breath, waiting if she will nod or shake her head.

“Holy shit, is he crying?” Jaehwan asks, shaking Taekwoon’s shoulders. “What happened? He’s crying?”

They don’t have to wait for the answer because Wonsik is slipping the ring on his girlfriend’s left ring finger, and stands up to hug her so tight. He’s crying, burying his face on his fiancée’s shoulder.

There’s a moment of silence among them, no one has dared to speak for a while, until Wonsik pulls away and kisses his girlfriend on her lips.

“Oh my god.” Hongbin whispers, loud enough for all of them to hear, covering his mouth with his hand. “He did it!”

Hakyeon breathes in relief, and feels tears on his cheeks. He removes his arms from Jaehwan’s shoulders and wipes the tears from his eyes. Even Sanghyuk, who rarely cries, stops the recording and covers his eyes with his free hand.

Then there’s the sound of a phone ringing, and it’s Jaehwan’s. Jaehwan puts it on loudspeaker.

“We’re engaged!” Wonsik happily announces, and Hakyeon swears he hears a soft sob from Taekwoon.

“We know, Wonsikkie. Congratulations to the two of you.” Hakyeon says, trying to chuckle despite the tears. “We’re so happy for you that we’re all crying right now.”

“Seriously, guys.” Wonsik laughs on the line. “But thank you so much for everything. You’re the best.”

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

They arrived at their shared home at two in the morning, both bit drunk from the wine.

Hakyeon says good night to Jaehwan and is about to go to his – their – room when the latter stops him by holding his hand.

Hakyeon turns around to squint at Jaehwan. They did not turn on the lights, already used to walking in the dark. He hears light footsteps coming to him, and Jaehwan holds his hands, kissing it gently.

“Hyung.” Jaehwan whispers, kissing his hands again, and again, each knuckle, and every little and invisible scar Hakyeon has. “Hyung.”

“Hmm?” Hakyeon steps closer, and tries to look for Jaehwan’s eyes. “What is it, Jaehwannie?”

“Are you happy with this?” Jaehwan asks, and he sounds so hopeful and anxious, just like Wonsik earlier. “Are you happy with me?”

“Of course, why would you even ask that?” Hakyeon replies. Yes, he is. He is happy with Jaehwan. Even though they are in a situation like this, he’s still happy. As long as he’s with Jaehwan.

“Me too, hyung. Just being with you makes me so happy.”

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

“Hyung.”

Hakyeon groans. “What do you want, Jaehwan.”

“Hyung, wake up.”

“But I’m still sleepy.” Hakyeon says groggily, covering himself with his blanket to block the sunlight from the window. “I told you the restaurant will open at six in the evening.”

“Hyung, I know.” Jaehwan shakes him again, and it doesn’t look like he will stop waking him up until he gives in. “Hyung.”

“What.” Hakyeon sits up, glowering at Jaehwan whose face is blank. He furrows his brows, because it looks like the younger woke him up for some reason. He clears his throat. “What is it?”

“Hyung.” Jaehwan says, closing his eyes for a while before speaking again. He’s trying not to smile too much. “Hyung, I got the role.”

It takes a moment for Hakyeon to absorb everything. Jaehwan got the role. Jaehwan got the role. Jaehwan got the role. Then he feels lightheaded, and the reaction he gives Jaehwan is the exact opposite of what he really feels right now.

“I’m so happy for you.”

Jaehwan looks at him in disbelief, and Hakyeon wonders if the expression on his face gives it away. He pats Jaehwan’s cheek, smiling widely.

“Congratulations, Jaehwannie. You deserved it.”

“Hyung –”

“And because of that, I will cook your favorite today.” Hakyeon announces, jumping from their bed to leave the room, also leaving Jaehwan inside. Ever since that day, they started sleeping next to each other, Jaehwan’s bed already collecting dusts in his own room.

He goes inside the bathroom instead of kitchen, sitting on the toilet and covering his face with his hands. He wanted this for Jaehwan because he knows the younger wanted it too. He did everything just to make him agree, and now that he gets what he wants, why does it feel so wrong? It feels so wrong that Hakyeon is having a hard time to be happy with the news. He should be happy, and yet he can’t.

Now, it feels like he doesn’t want Jaehwan to go.

Hakyeon fixes himself in front of the mirror, and takes a deep breath before opening the bathroom door. But as soon as he steps out, there’s a hand holding to his wrist, yanking himand pushing him against the wall.

And then Jaehwan is kissing him, his hand crawling to the small of his back, pulling him closer and closer. Hakyeon wraps his arms on Jaehwan’s neck automatically, tilting his head, kissing him back with much fervor. This is the third time they kissed – if he’s going to count that very first one years ago – and he would be lying if he were to say that he doesn’t want this to happen again and again.

Jaehwan pulls away a bit, and he’s panting so hard, and god, Hakyeon feels so proud to see that swollen lips. Jaehwan looks at him, and much to Hakyeon’s dismay, he steps back and leaves him breathing heavily and half-hard.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

“What are you doing here, hyung?” Hongbin asks, surprised to see Hakyeon in the backstage of the variety show he’s currently hosting. Hakyeon wipes the sweat from Hongbin’s forehead. The kid looks skinny again, probably skipped meals when he was shooting his movie overseas. “You don’t visit us anymore, so I went here to visit you instead.”

“Liar.” Hongbin says. “You went here with one of the company’s staff.”

“He came here to visit you too!” Hakyeon jokes, but Hongbin doesn’t look amused. “Well, okay. I went here for a meeting, and when I found out that you’re in the studio I came here to visit you.”

“Meeting? For what?” Hongbin asks, and he pulls Hakyeon to sit beside him, in front of the mirror.

“They want me to do a radio show again.”

“What?” Hongbin turns to look at him, holding on his arm. “And you’re accepting it?”

Hakyeon nods. “Why not? I miss being a dj.”

“Is that a midnight show again?”

“Yeah. Just like my first one.” Hakyeon smiles when the younger looks at him worriedly. “Hey, don’t worry Binnie. I don’t think this will be as exhausting as before.”

“Yeah, but...”

“What?”

“Have you told Jaehwan hyung about this?”

Yes, right. Jaehwan. Hakyeon has never told him about the offer since receiving it a week ago.

He doesn’t know how, and it’s hard to talk to him right now because he’s getting busier and busier. He is taking two day-offs a week for his vocal practice in the company, and Hakyeon is thinking of hiring another waiter when Jaehwan starts preparing for the musical.

“Not yet. I will tell him later.”

Hongbin looks like he wants to ask something, but then he just smiles at him, patting his shoulder gently.

“Congratulations, hyung.” Hongbin tells him. “And welcome back.”

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

Jaehwan just stares at him in response, face blank. Hakyeon sighs, reaches for Jaehwan’s hand on the table, but the younger hides his hand under the table.

“You’re saying this to me just now because?”

Honestly, he doesn’t know why he told Jaehwan about his new job just now. But one thing is for sure, he’s doing it because he knows the both of them will benefit something from it.

“I’m really sorry for hiding this to you, Jaehwan.” Hakyeon says, clenching his fist.

“Okay, fine.” Jaehwan stands up. “Do whatever you want.”

“Jaehwan.” Hakyeon calls, but Jaehwan doesn’t look back, going back to his room. He covers his face with his hands, frustration eating him alive.

He accepted the midnight show, to avoid Jaehwan, to get used to the life without Jaehwan beside him. It was hard for him after the disbandment, when the other members left the dorm one by one; and now Jaehwan leaving soon will be much harder for him, because of this kind of relationship they have right now. He doesn’t want him to go, but he also doesn’t want to be selfish. Jaehwan doing what he really wants is the most important, even if it will hurt him so much.

He just doesn’t want Jaehwan to regret in the future. That is his biggest fear.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

“Where is Jaehwan hyung?”

Hakyeon bites his bottom lip. He actually doesn’t know. Jaehwan has been going out more often, after the restaurant closes, not even waiting for Hakyeon. So Hakyeon has been going home alone for days. And Jaehwan doesn’t speak to him unless he needs to. Hakyeon hates the silent treatment, but there is nothing he can do. He tried talking to Jaehwan, but the latter avoided him by telling him he had to go somewhere. So he just lets him for now.

Sanghyuk is waiting for him to answer, so Hakyeon says the first thing that comes to his mind.

“He’s in the company, I think. Probably practicing.”

“Oh, I see.” Sanghyuk puts down the six-pack on the table and the Chinese takeout he bought somewhere. Hakyeon watches as he grabs the utensils from the drawer, and it feels like before, when they were still living together. Sanghyuk still knows where to look for whatever he needs, and it feels like home again.

“Is the ahjumma still cleaning the dorm or you and Jaehwan hyung do it yourselves?” Sanghyuk asks, sitting down. Hakyeon sits in front of him. “Because I don’t think I can sleep in a dusty room later.”

“Don’t worry, she still goes here whenever I ask her. She cleaned your room earlier.”

“Wow, thanks.” Sanghyuk says, taking a bite of his food. He offers Hakyeon to eat, but he declines. Sanghyuk was definitely starving when he arrived. “We should do sleepovers next time.”

After more than an hour of Sanghyuk eating and talking about anything, the younger is finally ranting to Hakyeon about his final project that is due in two months.

“The male lead backed out in the last minute, oh god I don’t know what to do.”

“Hey, there are some directors who also do acting in their own drama. You can do that?” Hakyeon helpfully suggests, but Sanghyuk just groans, opening another can of beer.

“I’ve already considered that. And I want to do it.” Sanghyuk replies. “But hyung, I don’t think I’m qualified enough to do something like that. Do you think I can do double work?”

“Sanghyuk, my baby.” Hakyeon starts, and Sanghyuk narrows his eyes at him because of the endearment. Thirty-two year old Han Sanghyuk is still being called ‘baby’. “That shows how versatile you are as a director and an artist. You’re still learning, yes, but it doesn’t mean you’re not qualified to do what you think is good for your project. I know you can do it, Hyuk. Just go your own way, believe in yourself.”

“Did you just quote on one of our songs, hyung.” Sanghyuk deadpans, but he smiles when Hakyeon nods his head eagerly. “Talking from experience, huh?”

“Take it from me, VIXX leader, singer, dancer and producer N, actor, host, dj and Starlight Cha Hakyeon, and also now a restaurateur.”

Sanghyuk laughs, the nicest thing Hakyeon has ever heard these past few days. “Wow, that is a lot.”

“You can do anything you like, just like me.” Hakyeon says. He pats Sanghyuk’s head. “You will do it, right?”

“Yes hyung. I can and I will.” Sanghyuk answers. “Thank you, Hakyeon hyung. That helped a lot.”

When Sanghyuk is drunk enough to be sleepy, he brings him to bed and tucks him under his freshly washed blanket.

“Sleep well, big baby.” Hakyeon mumbles, ruffling the younger’s hair. Sanghyuk answers a soft, “good night, hyung” before he leaves the room quietly. He is welcomed though by Jaehwan cleaning up the table.

“Is Sanghyuk sleeping now?” Jaehwan asks, putting the empty cans on the garbage bag.

“Yeah. He drank a lot.” Hakyeon helps him, bringing the utensils on the sink to wash it. “He was having problems with his final project.”

“I see.” Jaehwan throws the black bag on the trash bin, and leaves him alone in the kitchen. Hakyeon sighs, completely exhausted and fights back the tears tempting to fall down.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

Hakyeon knows that he still has to speak to Jaehwan soon. It is hard to live with someone who doesn’t even talk to you. And this is the longest they haven’t spoken to each other, Hakyeon’s not used to misunderstandings that take too long to fix.

Also, they don’t have any much time left. Jaehwan has been practicing a lot more often so he doesn’t really come up to work anymore. Hakyeon is now starting his midnight radio show, so when Jaehwan comes home, he’s not there anymore, and when he comes home, Jaehwan has already left for rehearsals. Hakyeon knows it’s his fault, but Jaehwan is leaving soon, and he has to make a way to clear their misunderstandings before it is too late.

So Hakyeon grabs the opportunity to talk to Jaehwan when he sees him home one Saturday night. He’s lying on the couch, his eyes closed, but Hakyeon knows he’s awake.

“Jaehwan, let’s talk.” he pats his leg lightly. “Open your eyes, I know you’re not sleeping.”

Probably sensing that this time Hakyeon won’t let him go, Jaehwan opens his eyes and sits up. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I want us to be okay now. It’s been weeks, Jaehwan. I don’t want this silent treatment anymore.” Hakyeon says, voice thick. He’s not going to beat around the bush now. He looks down at his lap, and he tries not to reach out for Jaehwan’s hand. He releases a deep breath before continuing. “Jaehwan, I’m already hurting, don’t make this any harder for me.”

“And you think I’m not hurting too?” Jaehwan says, letting out a bitter laugh. “I know you, Hakyeon hyung. You were actually doing this on purpose, so that it wouldn’t be hard for the both of us when I leave, but it backfired, hyung. It backfired. You just made it more difficult for the both of us.”

It’s true. It backfired. Hakyeon hugs his legs closer to his chest, burying his face to his knees so that Jaehwan won’t see him crying. But his voice gives away, strangled and sad. “I know, Jaehwan. I know. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

Then he feels strong arms wrap around him, and a forehead on his shoulder. Jaehwan tightens the hug, and Hakyeon lifts his head, face tear-stained, to turn around a place a kiss on top of Jaehwan’s head.

“I really want this musical, hyung. When I got the invitation from manager hyung, I was about to say yes to him, but then I remembered you and suddenly I didn’t want to go anymore.” Jaehwan says softly. “I don’t want to leave you here like this, hyung. If only I can ask you to go with me.”

Hakyeon tries to smile for him, and he moves around so that he’s facing Jaehwan. “I won’t make you upset anymore.”

It’s an entirely different response, but he knows that Jaehwan understands. The younger just wipes the tears off his cheeks with his thumbs, a soft smile now on his face. “I missed you so much.”

Hakyeon leans to the touch, holding Jaehwan’s wrists. He missed those smiles. “I missed you too.”

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

Jaehwan will be leaving tomorrow and tonight is his farewell party. Hakyeon closed the restaurant for the night, and Jaehwan invited his friends – idols, actors, and friends from school – also his family.

They are having fun, sharing stories and laughing over the memories, they even rented a noraebang machine to use, and for a while Hakyeon forgets that Jaehwan is leaving – that he is leaving him.

It’s almost the end of the party, and Hongbin asks Jaehwan to stand in the improvised stage and say a few words.

“Wow, I didn’t prepare for this.” Jaehwan laughs, taking the microphone Wonsik gave him. “So I’ll just keep this short and simple. Ah well, first of all thank you for coming tonight. I know you guys are so busy, and yet you gave time to meet me before I go.”

There are ‘awwww’s coming from the audience, and Jaehwan covers his face with his hands in mortification.

“I’m going to New York, to start a new career, to open a new chapter in my life. To be honest, I never expected that I would be chosen for this role, knowing that there are actors better than me who auditioned. Thank you to my former manager for informing me about this. To my Hakyeon hyung and Taekwoon hyung who first found out about this, thank you for pushing me to audition. I would be regretting by now if I didn’t come. I realized how much I wanted this, how much I love performing so much. To Wonsik, Hongbin and Sanghyuk, thank you for giving me encouragements too, I gained back my confidence. To my friends and family, thank you for supporting me in everything I do. Especially my family, I’m sorry if we didn’t get to have more time before I go, but I want you to know that I love you so much, and I’m going to miss you more.”

Jaehwan rarely cries. And tonight is one of those rare nights.

“I will miss you everyone.” Jaehwan says. Then he looks at Hakyeon who is standing at the front. Hakyeon bites his lip to stop himself from crying, but he can’t help it. The tears flow freely. “I love you. Until we meet again.”

Hakyeon excuses himself and gets out of the restaurant, and he sits on the sidewalk to cry. He hears someone approaching him and that person sits beside him, arm wrapping around his shoulders. He puts his head on his shoulder, thankful for the comfort he’s giving him right now.

“Just let it all out.” Hongbin whispers, patting his arm gently. “Everything will be alright later on.”

When they come home from the party, Hakyeon quietly goes to their bed, covering himself up with blankets. He tries his best to muffle the tears, he doesn’t want Jaehwan to hear. He doesn’t want Jaehwan to know how he’s just trying to look okay.

He feels the bed sinks, and Jaehwan lies closer to him, hugging him from behind. Hakyeon lets out a whimper.

“Hakyeon hyung.” Jaehwan is crying too, his face buried on Hakyeon’s neck. “Hyung. Don’t cry.”

“Stop speaking, just sleep.” Hakyeon says in between sobs, lacing their fingers together.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

Two more hours and Jaehwan has to leave for the airport. Hakyeon can’t go outside to see his bags and other important stuff in the living room.

“Jaehwan said you’re not coming with us to the airport.”

Hakyeon lifts his head up from his knees to look at Taekwoon, who is leaning on the doorway. He takes one deep breath, before nodding. “He doesn’t want me to come. He said he might back out if he sees me there.”

“Jaehwan wanted to say good bye to your employees and also the company staff so the others accompanied him. He’s going to head to the airport soon, and only Sanghyuk and Hongbin will go back to get his things.” Taekwoon says, approaching him and he sits on the edge of Hakyeon’s bed. “It’s just the two of us here. You can tell me everything.”

He’s done crying. He can’t cry anymore, no more tears are coming out from his eyes. He can probably tell Taekwoon everything without choking back a sob. He smiles weakly, hugging his knees closer for comfort. “Will you find it weird?”

“What is it?” Taekwoon asks softly.

“That Jaehwan and I…” Hakyeon pauses, meeting Taekwoon’s eyes. He doesn’t know how Taekwoon will react, but for now he doesn’t care. “Are doing things that best friends should not do?”

Taekwoon looks like he got the idea, but still hesitant. “What do you mean by that?”

“We hug in a way best friends should not do, we kiss in a way best friends should not do.” Hakyeon elaborates, clutching his pajama pants. “Is that weird?”

This is the very first time he’s admitting it to anyone. He’s sure Wonsik and Hongbin know about it, he can see it in their eyes whenever they’re talking about Jaehwan. Probably Jaehwan told them. But he doesn’t have any idea if Taekwoon and Sanghyuk know it as well.

Then he just realized that maybe Taekwoon knows, because he doesn’t look surprised. He’s only watching Hakyeon with that soft look on his face. Then he shakes his head. “No, I don’t find it weird.”

“You know?”

Taekwoon nods. “I’ve known about it for a while. Remember that time when you asked me to talk to Jaehwan about the audition? And besides, you’re not really good at hiding.”

“Well, yeah.” Hakyeon replies sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. “What did he tell you exactly?”

“Everything.” Taekwoon answers. “The reason why he didn’t want to go to that audition, and also…”

Hakyeon stiffens. “And also what?”

“I don’t know if I should be the one saying this to you.” Taekwoon says. Hakyeon’s heart starts pounding on his chest right now. “But I don’t think Jaehwan will tell you this sooner. Or worse, he will keep it as a secret from you forever.”

“What is it?”

“He loves you, Hakyeon. And not just that kind of love brothers have for each other.” Taekwoon finally reveals, and reaches up to hold on Hakyeon’s arm. Hakyeon feels like the world just stopped spinning. “I think you know what I’m talking about.”

 

Hakyeon takes a while to find his voice again. He’s shaking, and he might collapse if Taekwoon won’t hold him in the next seconds. “How did that…how did that happen?”

“I don’t know when exactly. But he said it started when we were on our fourth year.”

Hakyeon covers his mouth with the back of his hand, and suddenly, the tears he thought won’t appear soon stream on his cheeks, finding it hard again to breathe properly. Taekwoon pats his back gently, trying to calm him down.

“He said – he said he didn’t want to go because – because he doesn’t want to leave me.” Hakyeon sobs, wiping the tears harshly off his cheek. “I thought we only did that because he’s bored and insecure –”

“He doesn’t want to leave you because he loves you.” Taekwoon clarifies. “And no, you know Jaehwan better than that. He won’t do that to you.”

“I don’t want him to go but I don’t want to be the reason for not doing what he wants.” Hakyeon cries. “Taekwoon, I don’t want him to be unhappy and regretting.”

“I know.”

“Taekwoon, I love him so much.” Hakyeon confesses, and he knows it is too late now. He can’t tell him that he loves him too, because that will only ruin everything. Jaehwan will not leave or Hakyeon will not let him go. And it is the best if they will leave it just like that.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

He's been to New York a few times, either for a schedule, or just a vacation. It looks the same as the last time he went there three years ago – busy and bright as usual.

He's with Sanghyuk and Taekwoon, the only ones available to go there as of now. Their schedules with Hongbin and Wonsik don't match, since Hongbin is currently filming a new drama and Wonsik is preparing for the wedding.

Hakyeon is standing in front of the musical's poster. He notices Jaehwan at the back of the main character, and he smiles in awe. He looks wonderful in his attire, and if he's going to be more honest, Jaehwan is more handsome than the male lead.

“Hyung, come on. I got the tickets from Jaehwan hyung's assistant.” Sanghyuk says, pulling him and Taekwoon to the VIP line. Sanghyuk messaged Jaehwan before they got to New York about watching his musical, and Jaehwan said that he has tickets reserved already for his family and friends. At least they don't have to line up. It looks like that the musical is a big hit since lots of people are lining up for tickets.

They sit on the third row, and it is just a perfect view. Hakyeon relaxes on his seat between Taekwoon and Sanghyuk, trying to be busy with playing games on his phone since the musical will be starting in thirty minutes.

“Are you ready to see him?” Taekwoon whispers to him. He looks up from his phone, staring at the stage which is covered by a red curtain.

Of course, he thought about that when he was packing his things. They haven't talked since that day Jaehwan left almost a year ago. Jaewan never messaged him, and Hakyeon never messaged him too. Maybe it is the best for both of them. But he knows everything about his activities in New York, like singing in a jazz bar during his free time, and busking in the streets with one of his co-stars in the musical. Hongbin constantly updates him, and Hakyeon's relieved that Jaehwan has been doing good. He's not going to ruin it.

Hakyeon shakes his head. “I'm not going to meet him later.”

Sanghyuk turns around to look at him in disbelief. “What are you saying, hyung?”

“He's doing perfectly okay here.” Hakyeon says, sighing. “I don't want to mess him up again.”

“You know that he can still see you here, Hakyeon.” Taekwoon says.

“Yes, he will see me here. You told him I'm going with you.” He says. “But I will go back at the hotel first after the show, so that I can't meet him.”

“Hyung.” Sanghyuk holds his hand, squeezing it. “This is ridiculous, you know.”

Hakyeon chuckles bitterly. “I know it is really ridiculous. But I know that he's also not ready to see me.”

Sanghyuk sighs, finally giving up. “Okay, I understand. We'll allow you to leave after the show.”

It doesn't take long and the musical is starting. It is the main characters' scene, and he doesn't know when will Jaehwan appear, but he anticipates.

Then Jaehwan appears, smiling and singing sweetly to the female lead. He looks better and healthier now, he doesn't even look tired. He looks like he's been enjoying the musical a lot. And even the makeup applied on his face made him look ten years younger. Hakyeon is thankful that Jaehwan has been taking care of himself.

He cringes when Jaehwan said a cheesy line, and from beside him he can hear Sanghyuk and Taekwoon laughing.

“Oh my god, he's nearing forty years old and yet he's still cute.” Sanghyuk says, covering his mouth with his fist.

Hakyeon nods. And he just then he realizes that he's already crying. He wipes the tears from his cheeks, hoping that the other two won't notice. God, he misses Jaehwan so much, and seeing and hearing him for the first time after almost a year gives him mixed emotions. He wants to go there and grab him and hug him so tightly, maybe kiss him. At the same time he wants to step away from him, so that he won't ruin everything. He closes his eyes takes a deep breath, and when he opens his eyes he meets Jaehwan's eyes. He smiles at him to cheer him on, and surprisingly, Jaehwan smiles back.

He's smiling but his eyes look so sad.

“He saw you.” Taekwoon says, nudging him on his side.

Hakyeon breaks the eye contact with Jaehwan and looks at Taekwoon, and he knows that the other can see the tears on his face. _I miss him so much, I want him back, but I know I can't have him yet._

Hakyeon can't stay there any longer. So when Jaehwan disappears on the scene, he stands up and leaves the theater.

Outside, he lets the tears flow again, freely, without trying to fight it back. He cries until nothing comes out, until he feels numb.

He's hurting so much, and Jaehwan too, but they're both not regretting. As long as Jaehwan is fine, then he will be fine too. They can wait. They will wait.

 

 

 

///

 

 

 

“Wonsik, when you first met me did it ever cross your mind that in the future I will hold a very large part of your heart?” Hakyeon asks, fixing the black bowtie in Wonsik’s neck.

Wonsik snorts, grinning. “Who told you that you’re holding a very large part in my heart?”

“When will you stop being mean to me?” Hakyeon feigns hurt, slapping Wonsik’s chest playfully. The younger holds his wrist gently, laughing.

“Thank you hyung, for everything. From the first time we met, until now that I’m getting married.” Wonsik says, with a soft smile on his face. “You, Taekwoonie hyung, Jaehwannie hyung, Hongbinnie and Hyukkie hold a very large part in my heart. There’s no Ravi without you guys.”

Hakyeon feels tears in his eyes, and he bites his lip to stop it. He knows it, how much they love each other. Their eighteen years of brotherhood is irreplaceable and the memories they made are unforgettable. “I want to cry right now but I have to save it for later.”

There’s a sound of the door opening, but Hakyeon is busy trying to wipe the unshed tears on his eyes without ruining the makeup to even turn around and look.

“You should save those tears for now.” Wonsik says, patting his shoulders. “Oh, the international musical actor just arrived.”

Hakyeon stiffens on his spot for a while, too embarrassed to look behind him, until Wonsik pokes him on his shoulder. He finally turns around and Jaehwan is smiling at him, that smile he loves seeing on him, that smile that made him fall in love again and again.

Wonsik then approaches Jaehwan and gives him a bear hug. Jaehwan laughs and pats his back.

“I missed you so much, hyung!” Wonsik says, after pulling away. “You should’ve told us your arrival date, we could’ve fetched you in the airport.”

“It’s okay, I just arrived last night.” Jaehwan explains. “And congratulations! I just saw your future wife outside, and wow she’s really beautiful.”

“Thank you so much, hyung.” Wonsik looks so proud, and he grins. “You agreed on singing with Taekwoon hyung later, right? Better keep your promise!”

“I will. Taekwoon hyung guided me on everything before I came here to see you.”

“Okay, so” Wonsik looks at Hakyeon, who is standing awkwardly on his spot. “I should leave the both of you now? I think you have lots of catching up to do. The wedding won’t start after an hour anyway, take your time.”

Then Wonsik smirks at them, before he leaves them in the room. Hakyeon watches the door close shut before turning to look at Jaehwan. He is smiling that smile again, and Hakyeon wants to melt right there.

“Hi?” Jaehwan waves his hand at him. Hakyeon can’t help but snort. Still silly Lee Jaehwan.

“How have you been?”

Gladly, he found his voice. “Good. I’m still hosting the radio show, the restaurant is going to have a branch in Changwon, I moved to a new apartment. Nothing much, I guess? You?”

“Me?” Jaehwan steps forward, closer to him. Hakyeon doesn’t step back. He wants him close, until there’s no more space between them. He is going to hold him, and this time he won’t let go. “Well, I’m still the same. Nothing much has changed too, I’ve been working as a singer in a bar in New York, I’m still participating in our musical, which is by the way going to have an Asian tour next month.”

“Wow, it’s so nice to hear that.” Hakyeon says. “Congratulations.”

“I’m really happy, you know. I’m doing what I love, which is performing.” Jaehwan says, reaching out to hold his hand. He laces their fingers together, and god, Hakyeon missed this so much. He missed Jaehwan so much. “But honestly, I’m the happiest when I’m with you.”

Hakyeons cups Jaehwan’s jaw, and the younger leans to the touch, closing his eyes. “Me too. I’m the happiest when I’m with you.”

Jaehwan opens his eyes, and he looks apprehensive before speaking again. “I love you.”

Hakyeon already knows it. But this is the very first time he’s hearing it from him. He squeezes Jaehwan’s hand. His mind keeps on repeating those words, and he feels like his heart is going to burst soon.

“I know Taekwoon hyung told you that a long time ago, and I still hate myself for being so stupid, for not being able to tell you that. I was such a coward.” Jaehwan says. “This time I’m not going to be a coward again. I’m ready, and we’re going to make this work. I won’t let you let go of me now.”

“I’m new to this, you know that.” Hakyeon replies. And he knows Jaehwan understands what he’s talking about. “But we will make this work. And no I won’t let go of you this time, if I can ask the others to tie us together I will.”

Jaehwan narrows his eyes at him.

“What?”

“Where’s my ‘I love you too’?”

“Oh my god, seriously.” Hakyeon laughs, covering his face with his free hand. But Jaehwan is tugging his hand.

“Hey I’m serious!” Jaehwan complains.

“Okay!” Hakyeon removes his hand from his face and meets Jaehwan’s eyes. “I love you too.”

Jaehwan’s smile grows wider, and leans forward. “So I can kiss you now?”

He doesn’t even need to ask. So Hakyeon closes the distance between them, kissing him longingly.

“Oh my god, I shouldn’t have seen that!”

Hakyeon quickly breaks the kiss – which is really short by the way, so he’s going to strangle someone later – and glares at Hongbin who is covering his eyes.

“Lee Hongbin!” Jaehwan groans, leaning his forehead on Hakyeon’s shoulder. Red-faced Hakyeon clears his throat.

“I’m really sorry to interrupt you, I know I’m mean but I’m not that mean!” Hongbin says, and peeks on the gap between his fingers. He removes his hand when he realizes that it is safe to do so. “But the photographer needs the groomsmen for the pre-wedding shoot.”

“We’re going.” Hakyeon lifts Jaehwan’s head from his shoulder. “Let’s go, Jaehwannie.”

Hongbin sees their joined hands, and he smiles at them. “I’m letting you know that we’re happy for you.”

Hakyeon looks at Jaehwan as they walk together, and asks himself if he saved the world in his past life to deserve someone like him. They’re just starting, and now he is ready to spend the rest of his life with Jaehwan.


End file.
